Thoughts on monogamy

Some couples start out with an open understanding that they will allow other people to enter their lives, emotionally and sexually.

Other couples decide that they need to open up to others after some years of strict monogamy and, even further, some people decide that they can allow their spouse or SO
to have another lover, while remaining monogamous themselves.

None of these relationship styles are "easy" and surely they are are not for everybody, but none involve cheating, dishonesty or being "unfaithful".

IMO, at least sometimes, these styles are what allows one in fact to remain "faithful" to a spouse, by taking away the need to "run away" for what is often just an infatuation. With a more realistic look at life we could perhaps avoid the serial monogamy farce.

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I didn't call "farce monogamy" a monogamy that is not real (although the name is appropriate). What I meant is that "serial monogamy" is a farce, in the sense that many of us enter monogamous relationships with the starry eyed romantic idea that we will be able to stay in that relationship forever. What happens then is that, as soon as we are tempted by someone else, we often think that our relationship wasn't the greatest after all and we go on to the next one.

Relationships could be stronger and really last forever if they could be more realistic about human needs, including the possibility that, at some point, we may be in love with more than one person. That will normally be a very difficult situation, but not necessarily one that implies having to break up. The problem is precisely that we load what is already difficult, with the added weight of "betrayal". We then leave, NOT because we can't handle the possibility of our SO loving someone else, but because we decide that we were "betrayed" and our SO is the scum of the earth because of that.

We could instead accept that our SO added a love to her/his life (perhaps temporarily) and we could still decide to keep our relationship going.

In the past we actually did that... but only because we often didn't have a choice. Now we have a choice.. so we divorce.. This is the farce of "serial monogamy". I think we could go back to staying... because we HAVE that choice.

I realize that this is not a widely accepted notion.

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I personally know ordinary people who deal with the situations above as I have stated. And yes, they too feel jealousy, pain and the desire to run. The difference is, they don't run. They are determined to face and conquer the jealousy, they seek the mutual support of like-minded people and continue to respect and love their partners as long as there is honest communication.

The result is: they stay married, explore new situations, sometimes form bonds with former "rivals" and overall avoid the cycle love-disappointment-boredom-newlove-divorce to be repeated over and over in search of the time it will finally work as "promised " by the romantic myth.

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I am pushing for the notion of relationships where the need and ability to forgive are substituted for the need and ability to constantly renew our commitment to each others' lives, growth, wrong turns, and happiness - even when it might not include us -, at least for a while.

There is no way anybody could work out these twists and turns without feeling "wronged" at some point, so forgiving remains necessary, but wouldn't it be great to be able to live life with a partner who can be his or her own complete self without ever 'wronging" you, at least in principle?

I hate it when it rains... but I don't "forgive" the weather, I accept it. The weather is just being the weather. It meant no harm, disrespect or pain for me.

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I don't mean to invalidate anybody's standards. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with monogamy. What I called a "farce" is "serial monogamy" which is living in the constant illusion that strict monogamy is the only possible choice, with the consequent apparent need to break up every time the dream doesn't seem to be fulfilled.

I am advocating being realistic about what we are as human beings, and building our institutions on that basis, rather than on the basis of romantic or religious ideals.
If the word "farce" seems too strong I apologize. I'm just trying to make a point. After two strictly monogamous (failed) marriages I have some emotional energy
invested in this.

Also, I want to compliment all the women who have reacted to my posts for their remarkable openness and willingness to discuss this issue without pre -judging it as a "male oriented" position. It really isn't. I just saw a documentary by a lesbian friend of mine where she brought up exactly the same issue about her relationships with other women.

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The more I get into this, the deeper it gets. Are we monogamous as a species? T**** is right. I am sure that genetically we could go either way, but evolution is social as well. It may be that our biology is at odds with the advantages of a stable monogamy based society. Are there really advantages? If so, do they still hold? Is it really just a product of patriarchy? How do we impose that stability? What's the role of religion? Isn't it interesting how the "Heaven" of Muslim "martyrs" includes an exuberant number virgins? (I hope any Muslim guys here will not be offended - This is just what another ignorant American has been hearing - feel free to explain whether it's true and what it means)

Anyhow, the picture is murky to say the least, yet we keep banging our heads against the proverbial walls of monogamy.


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Some people ask whether it's worth to spend the extra amount of energy it seems to take to keep open relationships going, and whether the same energy could not be spent in keeping monogamy going instead.

Well.. my past 15 years of "conventional" lifestyle sucked more energy out of me than anything I ever imagined.

I guess the effort is in keeping people happy, as opposed to keeping the "relationship" monogamous. You focus on the people rather than the scheme.

Some people view this polyamory "preference" as hardwired as that for homosexuality. I am not sure, even for myself.

There are societies where straying from conventional monogamy is a crime, so obviously there is no real choice and people adapt. Being able to adapt to what makes us happy (or unhappy) is both our strength and our weakness, but overall we tend to be moving towards the ability to have more choices. That complicates things, but basically I'd rather be moving in that direction.

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Some people claim to be in open relationships but they really remain essentially monogamous. So what's the point of claiming the open relationship? The point is that they agree that they won't "freak out" if one of them becomes interested in someone else. They agree that they won't feel "betrayed" and storm out of the relationship, and they agree that they will work on the issues that will arise. Most of all they agree that they will deal with it as adults with honesty and openness.

No, it's not easy, and for that reason they don't necessarily "look" for this newrelationship, and remain happily monogamous. The point is that they can relax and not live in fear that their partner will "dump" them for someone else (because s/he won't "have to"). They also avoid the subtle attraction of the "forbidden fruit".

If this is the kind of relationship we could look forward to as the norm, I bet we "singles" would be a lot less scared about entering them, but maybe it's just me.